[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
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(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.