employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
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me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Put a ring on it
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt