It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?