My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
“no gods no masters” = leo
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”