so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.