No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
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Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
it must be school picture day
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.