Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.