she has a point
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Please do it!
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
a New Yorker reject, for you
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.