Who says great literature is dead?
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Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
watergate? u mean a dam??
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.