I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
You Might Also Like
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Skills
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares