Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
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Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
when nothing goes right… go left
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.