My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it