Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
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If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
(Electricians.)
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.