I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
You Might Also Like
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty