Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂