“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
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Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra