Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
You Might Also Like
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box