I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.