I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order