If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
You Might Also Like
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.