I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
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Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
She was REALLY feeling it.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.