I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
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my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
podcasts
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up