[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it