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cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I never needed anything more in my life
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.