Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
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I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield