Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
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The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*