My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
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Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
thanksgiving in nutshell
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.