Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
You Might Also Like
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”