We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
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Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.