The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
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[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM