There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.