*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.