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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.