Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
What an awful time to have common sense.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.