Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Hmm, not sure about this change
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win