Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
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doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.