The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.