The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
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*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Animal poetry
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.