Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
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If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
#Thanos #MondayMood
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK