When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
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Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?