Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
No Google it does not
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on