Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
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Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Me recordaron éste meme
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.