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*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently