Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Hello Twits.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍