BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
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Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”