There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
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Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.