Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Britain be like
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though