A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
me irl
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
8: momma why didn鈥檛 you swim?
Me: I wasn鈥檛 in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I鈥檓 not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 馃憖
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
You can鈥檛 buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.