Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
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It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.