I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Ironic
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?